I’m getting ready to board my flight to Phoenix, where I will be meeting up with my darling buddy Troika for a 9-city tour with Lord of the Rings, Live in Concert. Troika has been collecting the super-cool movie props for the past decade or so, and it’s no small deal. I’m pretty stoked to nerd it up and make my friends jealous.
As I was reorganizing my computer last night, I discovered some video from two and a half years ago of me driving by myself from Kansas City to Iowa City to see my best friend graduate with her Masters in Theatre. I’m not sure what exactly I was going for here, but I think I may have achieved just what I wanted. I hope you enjoy this fly-on-the-wall experience of roadtripping with me.
I’ve spent the past few days out here in Chicago, enjoying the company of some of my favorite people. The best is when you haven’t seen someone for a year or more and yet you get together and it’s like you never missed a beat.
Last night, my old roommate Bryan and I walked to the lake front and enjoyed some beautiful views of the moon rising over the water. It drug a long shimmery line of moonlight reflecting across the surface of the lake, and I was seriously convinced that if I could only get on a sailboat and follow that sparkly path, I would end up in Neverneverland.
Bryan and I wandered around the city for hours, ending up in a part of town even he had never been to in the three years he’s lived here. We enjoyed some time sitting in a gazebo while a homeless man peacefully slumbered just a few feet away.
The evening wrapped up with us swinging and playing on slides at 1am, enjoying each other’s company, exchanging philosophical nuggets of contemplations about our own lives, and bursting with pride for where we have come from and who we are now.
I’m so blessed to not only have such amazingly inspiring friends in my life, but to watch them succeed and find happiness in where they are.
Tomorrow will be one year exactly since I left my job and went straight to the airport to take the red-eye flight to Boston to load up my cousin’s two-door Jeep Cherokee and move her happy ass out to Colorado. Taking an 8+ day roadtrip across the country was THE perfect way to kick-off what became a year of travel and adventure all over the place.
Naturally, I decided to make a video montage using footage I’ve accumulated over the last year of adventure. Please, join me on this nostalgic look back over the past year.
The song in the background is a little ditty I wrote last September that I’ve been holding on to for the perfect debut opportunity! (:
Flight of the Gypsy Bluebird (as seen on the wall of a cafe in Santa Barbara)
I’m living the good life right now. One day when I have blue hair and lots of cats, I will look back specifically on this past year as the good ol’ days, the start of living every day like an adventure (excluding the days I spend in bed, trying to recover from too much adventure).
It’s been just about a year now since I left what I thought was my dream job, based on a gut-feeling and a heart-wrenching whim to follow the obnoxious yet surprisingly intuitive little voice in my head. It started with a roadtrip from Boston to Denver with my sistercousin and was followed with intense studying of Anusara yoga with Amy Ippoliti, a month on Maui, and a total of visiting three countries (five if you count the ones I had layover in – and I do) and 23 different states (25 if you count layovers – and again, I do).
All in one year!
Someone left their receipt at the ATM one day, so I kept it to inspire me. This is SO not my bank account...
I’m living the life I’ve always wanted – of adventure, of travel and being surrounded by increasing numbers of supportive people who empower my every move, even though I also suffer from delightful bouts of financial insecurity.
Often I hear from people of how much they wish they could do what I’m doing now – to which I can only ever say, “YOU CAN!” It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t easy. But because it’s what I want, and because so many times I have put this life aside for a life I thought I was supposed to have – because of all that, I simply refuse to have it any other way. I take advantage of every opportunity presented to me – and even that hasn’t always ended up the best. My life is about taking chances and making mistakes, and as blissful as I am in my free-spiritedness, I am also a mess.
I can do this because I don’t really have bills to pay – I live with my folks, for cripessake. I am constantly accidentally sabotaging myself by sinking deeper and deeper into flakiness. I have walked away from a handful of friendships and even burned a couple bridges with some because I couldn’t bear to look back, either because of what they had done to me, what I had done to them, or a combination of the both. Either way, this past year has been a serious renovation of my life structure and I’m the one who made the tornado that tore it all apart. I decided to put myself first. I refused to allow myself to continue to be taken advantage of in a number of ways by no longer spreading myself too thin.
Don't look back, except to witness how far you've come.
I’m a fluke of nature in that I am most comfortable when in the midst of violent transition in my life. Letting the dust settle has never been a part of my nature, and there is something that scares me about sticking around long enough to see what comes into view.
Let yourself be a little bit of a mess, if even just on three-day weekends or on mental-health days. If you want to be ecstatically happy in your life, you have to understand that you will have to completely shake things up. Turn things upside-down. And spend a lot of time in tears, wondering what the hell you have done and will it be worth it?
My experience leads me to say Yes, yes it will be worth it. And I still, to this day, spend a lot of uncertain hours and even days, wondering what I’ve screwed up this time, what I’ve missed out on, where I should go and if I really want to spend another year at my parent’s house in exchange for another year of being a distracted gypsy.
All I know is that I am always exactly where I need to be, and luckily, the unwavering belief in that is the only thing that never fails to keep me moving forward.
My friend Dennis called me one cold night in February. “Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Italy with me. I have to go for work and I thought it would be fun if you came so I’d have someone to eat dinner with while I’m there.”
“Sure, why not?” I replied, getting that excited feeling I get when I sense impending adventure. “When are you leaving?”
“Tuesday.”
yummmmm
For two weeks, I ate breakfast twice every morning, gelato for lunch, and a huge amazing meal every night at a number of incredible restaurants throughout Bologna. It spawned my mindset of, “If I want it, I’ma eat it.” I came home ten pounds heavier (after TWELVE days of feasting!) and continued on with that frame of mind.
Of course, eventually I could tell it was catching up with me. After spending most of my time on Maui in December eating largely raw foods and drinking lots of fresh juices, I knew what it was like to feel like a million bucks. I was full of energy, I was glowing; why, even my green eyes were turning blue! There was such an incredible level of cleansing going on, and I enjoyed the sensation of it.
But now, I was eating without thinking, enjoying the novelty of eating meat again for the first time in three years, falling back into the habit of eating a cheese sandwich… which isn’t bad in moderation, but all of these habits that were making me feel exhausted, depressed, grouchy, and achy, all over.
After spending a weekend at the Fitness and Health Bloggers Conference in June and having chats with my Gluten Free for Good friend Melissa, I knew I needed to get a grip on my eating habits. But later, I kept thinking. I’ll do it later, and I’ll blog about it and my new #FHBC11 friends will read it and it will be great. But later. I’m not in the mood now.
Last weekend I spent up at the Mountain Pose Yoga Festival in Copper Mountain with my infamous friends, Peggy Dyer, Laurie Maves and Melissa Ivey. I was dealing with a lot emotionally, and I found myself both feeling shitty because of internal struggles on top of feeling shitty because I was eating shitty… I slept for ten or eleven hours each night, exhausted from numerous tearful breakdowns and too much pizza.
On the second night at MPYF, author of Crazy Sexy Cancer and Crazy Sexy Diet, Kris Carr, was the keynote speaker. Peggy and Laurie are huge fans of Kris’, and I was looking forward to hearing her speak about her love of green juice and kale. After all, I had loved the green stuff too, back on Maui.
I ended up at one of the front tables, sitting on the side that left me completely exposed to the podium. I felt vulnerable even in the midst of my intrigue, as though Kris and I were having a one-on-one chat. The more I imagined it was just her and I in the room, the more defensive I got when I felt like she was looking at me with her challenges to live life on purpose.
Laurie Maves, Kris Carr and Peggy Dyer
“Will you all make a commitment to juicing, starting on Monday?” she asked, questioning with her eyes dancing around the room. Then she looked directly at me. Or maybe it was my friend behind me. Either way, she looked directly-almost-kind-of-near-me and said, “Would you?”
I stared back, biting the inside of my cheek, hoping it was a rhetorical question.
It wasn’t. “Yes? No? Can you give me one of these?” She wiggled her hand side-to-side.
My friend behind me spoke up. “If I have access to a juice, sure! I’d love to try!” I relaxed. Maybe Kris wasn’t looking at me afterall. But my friend made the point that I was fuming over.
I’d love to live a super healthy lifestyle, eat nothing but the best all the time, fresh juice twice a day, fart rainbows and burp glitter and all that. But the cost! The cost is so much!! Buy me a fuggen juicer, I thought, and I’ll drink your g’damned juice.
I sat with those feelings for the next twenty-four hours, feeling embarrassed that I had experienced this unexplainable upwelling of rage. Until I realized that was the rage was masking was my fear and shame about my lack of nourishing my body wholly. I am fearful that I’m doomed to live a life of exhaustion and unhappiness and I’m embarrassed because I don’t have the will-power to uphold any semblance of consistency in my life, not to mention in my diet.
I pondered on that. And was I seriously coming at the thought of my health and well-being and self-care with an attitude of lack? Lack of funds, lack of faith, lack of love for myself and patience that I could get it right if I just gave myself the space to try… so much lack. What was I therefore fueling my body with by having those thoughts? Nothing but more lack. More fear. More shame. More turning away from taking control of my own health.
Well, that didn’t make much sense to me.
On Monday, I made myself a big batch of some sort of ridiculous green smoothie concoction. All I had for a blender was one of those little single-serve smoothie makers, so I made a complete mess, adding whatever veggies and fruits I thought sounded good. It was fantastic. When the whole thing was done, I sat down to take a triumphant sip – and it tasted like ass.
Yummm. Ass.
I kept at it, trying to find the right way to be able to suck down this disaster, but I wasn’t mad. At least I was making an effort, and I had been avoiding making the initial effort for way too long.
Then I went to Bed, Bath and my Butthole (I hate that store) and found a reasonably priced juicer. Sure, I broke it within 24 hours of having it, but I exchanged it for another… and we’re totally in love, me and my juicer. And then it broke again and I broke up with it. Going in to buy a legit hi-speed blender this time. I went to some vitamin-hut-cottage-place and bought greens powder to add to my breakfast smoothies. I’m learning, I’m making an effort and I already feel better.
I realized that while eating better is more expensive, it is a price worth paying. What’s the point of spending a ton of money on clothes or shoes (which I don’t generally do anyway) when I still feel sick, depressed, tired, achy, etc., when I put them on? I’d rather wear my worn out tank tops and endless supply of skorts until they fall off me as long as I’m eating amazingly and feeling even more amazing.
This is the decision we are all given, every day of our lives. And it doesn’t have to be my story, maybe it’s just making a commitment to get off your ass once a day and go for a 20-minute walk. Maybe it’s adding something green to your dinner every night. Maybe it’s drinking more water. There are so many little things that make such a big difference – because just as one bad decision can lead to a string of even worse decisions, one good decision begets more and more of consistently better and more fantastic decisions.
Now, don’t misunderstand – I don’t regret one chocolate croissant, one triple serving of pistachio, hazelnut and chocolate coconut gelato or one single plate of Gnocchi Quattro Formaggio that I had in Italy. I wanted to live my life fully while in Italy – and I did. And I was happy for it! But I can’t eat like that all the time. And I apparently especially can’t eat like that when I’m at home if I want to feel healthy and/or happy in the slightest.
What can you commit to trying next week? Just for you, for your health, for your well-being and for your happiness? I dare you to try.
Ingredients for Success in Green Juice!
Make yourself a super delicious juice!
If you’re using a juicer, just throw all these items in. If you’re using a high-speed blender, remove seeds, stems and other non-edible bits.
2 green apples
1 lemon
1-inch knob of ginger
1-bunch cilantro
couple handfuls of spinach
1-bunch of kale
a few stalks of celery
1 cucumber
a few carrots
Enjoy! Store in a glass container and drink throughout the day – or better yet, share with your friends!
The best thing about juicing is you really can’t screw it up – experiment with different things and see what happens.
I took a yoga class today with the kind of teacher who would. not. shut. up. Too many words, too many explanations, too many talking for the sake of trying to get in everything they wanted to say. And not one minute, not even ten seconds! of peace from the talking in savasana. I actually laid there with my eyes open because it was the only way I could keep from getting up off my mat and just leaving. If the teacher told me one more part of my body that I should relax or how I should relax it or how I should feel once I’ve let it relax, I was going to explode.
I left class realizing how often it is that we don’t recognize the incredible value of shutting the fruck up. We all have so many things we want to say in our lives and sometimes we don’t know how to express it. Or we do know how to express it, and we want to express it endlessly and we have so many places to express it and people who are interested maybe in listening to us express it… but for pete’s sake, people, sometimes the fine art of shutting up is just what those around you need.
I have had a great number of travel partners in the past year and I have learned that my favorite ones are the ones who let us travel in period silence, allowing the other to immerse in their own thoughts. There is nothing wrong with a little peace and quiet, and when you are comfortable and confident enough to enjoy just the presence of those around you, there is more said in those moments than if you just yammered on and on for six solid hours.
As the queen of she who sometimes talks aloud to herself when she is completely alone in the car, I know how hard it is to shut up when you just want to talk. But next time you’re in a conversation, ask yourself: Is what you are saying benefitting the conversation? Are you saying the same thing again, but in a different way? Is the person you’re talking to glazing over?
Be present in your conversation. You’ll annoy less people. And they’ll respect and admire you more. Because you shut up before you said something stupid because you were no longer paying attention to the fact that you were still speaking out loud.
And now… a blues song I wrote where the lyrics don’t make any sense at all. Enjoy. Or don’t enjoy. Luckily, when you follow me primarily online, you can just close the window if you don’t want to hear me talk anymore.
My sister found this letter while snooping through our grandparents’ guest bedroom in Kansas City last week. It’s from our grandma Janice’s father (Lawrence, AKA PoPo) to grandpa Marvin after he wrote to ask for Gramma’s hand in marriage. Enjoy.
Bethel, Kansas
April 4 1953
Dear Marvin:
First: The answer is yes. You have our consent to marry our daughter Janice.
I appreciate you asking us altho I’ve always felt that was up to the individuals being married and I never say no to any of my children. If they were picking someone whom I was rather sure would not be compatible or circumstances were what I thought too hazardous I probably would try to influence them.
For that matter I guess we have trying to influence them since they were born. Teaching them right from wrong, to be fair and honest, to judge those whom they come in contact, and avoid those who might have bad influence on them. And if we have taught them to be fair to themselves and others (which probably covers about everything) I feel we have accomplished our part.
You asked about the good and bad. Marriage is all good, no bad. Man should take a mate, the birds do it. It’s the way of life. The bad is created by the man or wife or both or their inability to avoid it.
Marriage is always more or less hazardous. Falling in love is hazardous. That is why some people avoid it and become bachelors and old maids (no guts).
It’s just a chance a couple in love must take and if they are smart enough they can make go of it under almost any circumstances.
As Frances said – “You have our blessing” and our home will always be Janice’s home and your home as long as you are in good standing with her.
Sincerly,
PoPo Willard
P.S. This PoPo business will not be available to your children until after you are out of service. Savy…
As an afterthought: May the Gods of Mercy be with you. Sucker!
1
Needless to say, Em and I have both had some good cries after reading PoPo’s “lewis and clark” handwriting (as my sister described it).
Personally – I needed to hear the bit about love being hazardous. To be in love is to take a chance, but I hope that one day I have the guts to really dive in.
I went for a walk with my cousin Lauren not too long ago. It was one of those beautiful spring-teaser days that Colorado is so infamous for – the kind where it is in the 70s and sunny but hear that it is supposed to snow the next day.
My cousin seems to see some of the most interesting things when she goes for a walk. She actually has a very impressive collection of photographs of lonely gloves that have been most unfortunately separated from their other half and discarded along sidewalks, on fence posts, etc. So going for walks with her always seem to be an unexpected scavenger hunt, where the list of things that are to be found is added to as we find interesting things.
I wanted to share some of the things I came across that day… as a reminder that if you really enjoy the view wherever you are in that exact moment, there’s so much more to see than just the destination to which you are headed.
