I’ll (not) be dammed
“Floating on this raft in the middle of a lake, envision the lake filled with your loved ones. How they hold you up, support you and fill you with a gentle warmth,” Heather said. I smiled, eyes closed, quite enjoying the guided meditation. I could feel the warm sun on my face through my imagination, and watched off the edge of the raft into the beautiful depths of a lake filled with the love of those closest to me.
“The lake also becomes filled with the presence of those you do not care much for, those who are more difficult to live with, harder to smile at…” My softened consciousness was having a hard time understanding what was going on, and I looked around my raft, trying to make sense of the new instructions. I whirled around and bumped face to face into my ex-boyfriend and nearly knocked myself off of the raft. “Send them love as well, even as they support you.”
What in the hell, I thought. I was really enjoying all of this until I accidently conjured up his friggen face. Was that really necessary? I took an incredibly deep breath and steadied myself back on the raft. I dipped a foot carefully into the water and let my toes steep in an increasingly turbulent lake, awaiting further guidance from my teacher.
It was an interesting conversation, and one I had not thought of before. At the beginning of many yoga
classes, the teacher would made a suggestion of setting an intention, dedicating a practice. I would very sweetly dedicate my practice to a friend who was having a tough day, to my cousin who had a headache, to my sister who was about to start college, or perhaps even modestly practicing for myself, each chaturangaupdogdowndog a sacred homage to those who meant most to me in my life. Gratitude for their love and support as I was fearlessly trying to shift the story of my life.
But to dedicate my practice to someone who had hurt me? Who irritated the hell out of me? This was not a thought that had ever passed through me – but then again, who would think of dedicating their hard work and effort to someone that did not deserve it?
I began contemplating that thought, however. Deserving of love? Who was I to make that judgment?
The next class I took, I dedicated my practice to the ex-boyfriend. I had loved him very much and I would never deny that. But in the end, we had surprised ourselves at how much we were capable of hurting one another. During the opening meditation of class and for the first time since our breakup, I held his face in my mind and said, “I’m sending you love, Mike.”
Through the practice, I determinedly kept my focus, sometimes almost shouting IM SENDING YOU LOVE, DAMMIT, MIKE during the difficult holds or the one extra connecting vinyasa, sometimes almost laughing with the absurdity of my experiment. Then it came time for headstand.
photo by Shannon M Casey
Belly button pulled to spine. Elbows hugged toward the midline. Ass lifted up. Knees drew to chest. And I suddenly realized I was whispering almost audibly, “I’m sending you love, Mike.”
I had a moment of shock when I also realized that my feet were straight up in the sky and I was fully inverted. I gasped. I squealed. I giggled. And I somersaulted right over, crashing into the window.
When I finally found my head back over my butt and untangled myself from my fit of giggles (much to the concern of everyone around me), I sat on my mat and closed my eyes, smiling to myself. In Savasana, I held his face once again in my mind and recognized the genuine gush of love that came forth when I repeated my mantra once more.
“I’m really, honestly sending you love, Mike.” And then I let it go.
Love flows. Undeniably, love will pulse. Even if it comes up against a barrier, water will not stop lapping up along that boundary, be it shore, rock or cement, waiting for its chance to pour forth.
I can choose to either build dams or tear them down – the love will inevitably flow, regardless.
I was inhibiting my own growth and evolution by ignoring a whole huge opportunity for love in my life. When I finally let go of the resistance and fear of who were the deserving parties of my love, I was able to completely turn my life upside down and see things in a totally new way. And yep, I tumbled and fell – but what is the point of not taking that chance when it comes?
Letting go is a big part of the yoga practice of life-in-general. There are so many reasons to hang on, so many excuses to not let go. At some point though, you have to ask yourself; are you allowing yourself a chance to expand or are you inhibiting new opportunities from arising?
Is it really worth it to remain cold in your heart for fear that someone does not deserve your warmth? And ultimately, doesn’t it just make you feel chilly?