show-off
I could start this out by saying “I’ve never been much of a show-off…” but I know that would be a lie the second I wrote it on the screen.
I’m a bit of a hobble-yogi right now. Hurt my left knee. The knee that’s always been a problem – the one that I’ve also apparently been hyperextending all of my life. I had no idea!
But because I pulled one of my quadriceps, which in turn hurt my patellar-something-something across the front of my knee, which was already a little wonky because of the hyperextension… anytime I fall back into the old habit of how I stand (Hip jutted out to left, lock left knee. Hold for 75-90 seconds, switch sides. Repeat) I receive an insta-reminder that THAT’S NOT GOOD FOR YOU. That hurts. Don’t go back to that habit.
How did I hurt my knee? Ah, well, that’s where “show-off” comes into place.
I’ve had the incredible pleasure of modeling for a fantastic photographer friend of mine, Shannon Marie Casey. One day, she and a friend were playing with lighting options in the studio. I went from one pose to another, giving them something to light. I was playing around for the most part, and decided to try full Natarajasana while the two photo-pros were discussing lights. Miraculously, both of my arms reached back over my head and I was holding my left foot in the fullest Natarajasana I had experienced in my life. I felt like an ice-skater, a cover of a Yoga Journal magazine – like images of the practices of so many yogis I have admired for a long time.
Because it simply IS a breath-taking pose, we came back to it time and time again in the photo shoot. I was so thrilled to have achieved the shape, I came into it as many times as was asked of me.
At some point, I was no longer being as mindful as I had been. My body was finding the end-point, but skipping along without being mindful of proper alignment. And this must have been when I pulled my quadricep (or later, when I got home and was still showing off).
This isn’t the first time in my life that I continued doing something over and over again because I thought it was impressive to everyone else in my life. I worked 60 hours a week with not a day off for eight months once. At first I did it because I enjoyed it, it kept me busy and made me feel like I was doing something with myself – but I realized long past my burn-out point that I had only sustained that schedule because it impressed those around me, too. It was a way to hide the fact that I wasn’t happy doing what I was doing, but at least I was successful in the sense that I was doing SOMETHING. And because I don’t know WHEN exactly in that practice of too much work I actually tore something, like you know, my heart-strings, I was just suddenly hurting. And I had to completely STOP and step away.
That’s what I’m doing for now. The habits that I find myself falling back into are no longer sustainable. They hurt. They actually physically hurt. I can’t hold myself up in this way anymore. And so, I’m learning a more mindful way to do it. I have to take a lot of breaks from standing, I have to sit back and elevate the knee, and spend a lot of time doing some new muscle-pattern-building techniques (taught to me by Chris Muchow, the most incredible yoga fixer-upper EVER)… and that exhausts me in a new way. My leg is sore STILL, but at least this sensation is because of the building of good habits.
Because of all things – I have to be able to stand up for myself.